so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
Whoa, it works:
y’all enjoy your anime gifs while i just
YO THIS SHIT ACTUALLY WORKS
Go there, and do as the instructions say.
When my art was stolen, I got the post reported, and it was taken down. Don’t worry, it doesn’t just take down the sources post, but it takes down all the reblogged posts too.
Please give this a reblog, many artists out there may not know this is here.
And remember, ask permission before sharing, or don’t post it.
THIS IS BLOODY FANTASTIC
LET ME SMOOCH YOU
I love her
I present to you, in chronological order, every justice pun that apollo justice makes in apollo justice: ace attorney
IM READY TO RUIN MY LIFE LOL
We’re waiting every night
to finally roam and invite
newcomers to play with us
for many years we’ve been all alone
We’re forced to be still and play
The same songs we’ve known since that day
An imposter took our life away
Now we’re stuck here to decay
Please let us get in!
don’t lock us away!
We’re not like what you’re thinking
We’re poor little souls
who have lost all control
and we’re forced here to take that role
We’ve been all alone
Stuck in our little zone
Join us, be our friend
or just be stuck and defend
after all you only got
Five Nights at Freddy’s
Is this where you want to be
I just don’t get it
Why do you want to stay
We’re really quite surprised
We get to see you another night
You should have looked for another job
you should have said to this place good-bye
It’s like there’s so much more
Maybe you’ve been in this place before
We remember a face like yours
You seem acquainted with those doors
If this doesn’t mean anything to you, please listen to this priceless piece of comedy immediately.
Rufioh Nitram: The Snark addition
skype sleepovers may seem like a weird internet thing but theyre really cute and make u feel nice n safe because just imagine like having a nightmare or s/t but then you wake up and your friend in the call is there iTS PRETTY MUCH LIKE SLEEPING WITH THEM IRL AND ITS FUN AND SWEET
WAIT THOSE ARE THINGS?
WE NEED TO DO THIS
see fish, i told ya they were real. no one ever believes me. :/
my life changed forever when i found out the word “slang” was actually slang for “shortened language”
so slang is slang for slang
REALLY, AGAIN? THE FUCKING REBLOG BUTTON WAS
this post is a mess
That is a tortilla. Tortillas do not have crusts.
Hello police please arrest this post
ITS SO ANNOYING WHEN TEACHERS EXPECT YOU TO USE A THE 3RING BINDER AND NOT PUNCH THINGS THEN THEY GET PISSED WHEN THE WHOLE CLASS IS GATHERED AROUND THE HOLE PUNCH AND THEY TELL US TO GO SIT DOWN AND DO IT LATER IN CLASS BUT THEN THE FUCJING TALK THE WHOLE DAMN PERIOD AND BY THEN WE FORGET TO PUNCH IT AND JUST JUST STUFF IT IN A POCKET AND THEN WHEN THEY CHECK YOUR BINDER THEY GET PISSED THAT ITS A MESS AND JUST
WE WOULDNT HAVE THIS PROBLEM IF